Back, Sort Of

Just wanted to let you know I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. In case anybody cared. Which you probably don't. But anyway. The Internet tells me I haven't blogged since March 19, and it's a good thing those posts have date stamps on them because otherwise I wouldn't have a fucking clue.

So what had happened was, I ran out of my meds (well I ran completely out of one, and the other I was rationing out like an idiot) so when I saw my doctor we figured it was as good a time as any to change what I was taking. I won't get into the particulars, but one of the meds I was taking worked wonders, but it was really old-school and had a lot of side effects. Plus, it's not the sort of thing you can take while pregnant -- which I'm NOT, and don't plan to be any time soon, but that is something we're thinking about for the distant future and I'd like to be ready when the time comes, you know? So I figured since I'd only been taking a really teeny dose (this is the one I was rationing out) I could just stop and step up the dose of my other med (which is newer and a lot safer, but maybe not as effective). And my doctor agreed. So off I went.

Anyway, wacky hijinks ensued, only maybe they were less "wacky" and more "scary, depressing, and suicidal." Shit. I don't know how to make mental illness heartwarming or interesting, which I'm sure is the only reason I don't have a book deal a la Dooce. Sure it is. It's also the reason I've been so reluctant to write this entry. I wanted to try to explain why I'd been absent from the blogosphere without being boring or bringing everybody down. So now you know.

As for how I'm doing now, well, the depression is mainly at bay so that's very good. Also, Shane has commented that I seem less numb. I know a lot of people on anti-depressants complain about that, but I'd never noticed it in myself. I guess I was too numb for even that degree of self-awareness. My OCD, on the other hand, has worsened. I'm hoping that starts to go away when the doctor increases my dosage again.

Let's end this entry on a good note. Juno has been acting less like she needs medication, so much so that I canceled her upcoming vet appointment. I'll reschedule later, but I don't want to shake things up just as they're getting good. The vet's website has a link to guidelines for caring for indoor cats, and I started following some of their pointers. For one thing, I opened the door to her carrier and put a couple of treats down to coax Juno inside, and now she hangs out in there voluntarily. It's hilarious because she thinks she's hiding but you can totally see her peeking out of the holes in the side. We pretend we don't know she's in there. Plus, Shane's taken to covering her up (head and all) with a blanket at night so she feels more secure. She still has her moments of weirdness, but there's a lot less early-morning crying and screaming. Fabulous.

Also, I've started Weight Watchers. Actually, I don't think I'm going to pay them again after the initial three months is up. I found another site that offers the same services for free, plus it's designed a HELL of a lot better than the Weight Watchers site. Seriously, the Weight Watchers site is a fucking nightmare to navigate, and it's missing information on quite a few foods. Also: NOT FREE. We like free.