People on TV I Want to Punch in the Face

This post? Is exactly what the title says.

• The Progressive lady. Oh my damn, SHUT UP. You're not funny. You're not perky. Worst of all, you're not an adorable little gecko with a cockney accent. You seem desperate and you look almost as tired of these ads as I am. Go 'way. Go 'way now.
• People dancing in McDonald's commercials. I don't like the "I'm lovin' it" campaign (it's lazy and dumb). I don't like it, by and large, when people dance on TV (it embarrasses me). Put 'em together and ... I have to change the channel. Or leave the room. Or hit the mute button and look away.
• People who do that dance move where you lift the collar of your shirt. I'm sure there's a technical name for this. There's a girl who does it in the latest McDonald's ad, the one where they sing the Big Mac song. (Said ad also features a guy doing wheelies under an overpass and a businessman snapping his neck. So I hate it times eleventy billion, basically.) Whatever it's called, it takes zero actual "talent." If you're doing it you look like a jackass. Which brings me to...
• Chris Brown. Of course I can't prove it now, but I never liked this kid. I don't understand why he's famous. As far as I can tell, he's young and light-skinned and he dances. That's it. Um, yay? My teenaged niece was doodling his name in her notebook and I wanted to stage an intervention. Now it's like, oh you just don't like him because of the connnntroversy. Which, no. I've always thought he was talentless and ugly and kind of smug looking. I literally couldn't look at his stupid face. But now that I know he's abusive too, I don't have to feel bad about hating somebody born in 1989! Win!
• That kid on Two and a Half Men. I guess I should feel bad about not liking this kid (he was only born in 1993), but goddamn, when did it become de rigueur to put such unappealing children in front of a camera? Between this spudface and that creepy little redhead who used to play Michael on General Hospital, it's gotten so I'm afraid to turn on the TV. Also, to be fair, I want to punch just about everybody on that Two and a Half Men show, so it's not like I'm singling the boy out.
• Paris Hilton. Obvious but so true. First it was like, why do I know who this chick is? Now it's like, why is she still around? Yes, she's rich, but ... she's also ugly and dumb. (Mean but so true.) How does that make for compelling television, exactly? Sure, you could point a camera at her and wait (0.03 seconds) for her to say something stupid, but that means you have to look at her. Maybe I wouldn't mind her if she was on the radio.
• Ina Garten. My God, what a pretentious windbag. Haaaate.
• The Jackson siblings pawing all over poor Paris at the memorial. That little girl gave a very touching, genuine tribute ... or it would have been, had I not been distracted by the sight of her aunts and uncles "comforting" her. Maybe I'm projecting, but I wanted to yell at them, "Damn, step off!" How well does she even know these people? I hope I'm wrong, but (other than when Janet hugged her, which seemed sincere and appreciated) the whole thing smacked of look-at-me-I-love-her-more! No-I-do! Ugh. Have some dignity and show some respect, people.

Sir Butt Kiss!

This is quite probably funny to no one but me. If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that sometimes I have the sense of humor of a young boy. I was wracking my brain for something to blog about, and then it came to me. Why come up with a topic when I can just show you this picture that cracked me up?



I love it because it's not just "sir butt kiss," is it? I mean, that exclamation point is there for a reason. I'm just not sure if I'm supposed to read it as, "OMG, you guys, it's Sir Butt Kiss!" or "Presenting, Sir Butt Kiss!" or "Get back here, Sir Butt Kiss!" Also, it looks like it was written by a twelve-year-old girl, which I find intriguing.

If you don't find that picture funny, might I point you to this one? (I think it's bad form to re-post someone's else's photo, so I'll just link to it.) I literally LOL'd (emphasis on the OL) when I saw this. I had to disguise it as a cough because I was at work. Then I couldn't stop laughing, so I had to pretend I was having a coughing fit. It's particularly funny, because:
A) It wasn't that hot that day (and I say this as the Queen of Unnecessary Sweating). Stop being so damn dramatic.
B) There's nothing wrong with her, you guys. She's sitting on the dirty-ass ground to wait for the bus because "it's hot." Like, oh sure, that explains everything.
C) Extra points for the tank top, biker shorts, water shoes and sunglasses all matching.
D) I can't decide if it looks more like she's breakdancing or playing Twister.
E) I used to ride the bus with people dressed like this ALL THE TIME. Classic.
F) Is that ... a jacket? Yes, sometimes they do crank the AC on the bus but you know, you might not catch a chill if you weren't dressed like you were going to the beach/the gym/the pool/insert appropriate venue (WHICH THIS IS NOT) here. Or maybe she brought it so she wouldn't have to sit on the actual sidewalk ... which means SHE WAS PLANNING THIS SHIT.
F) I'm curious about the Band-Aid and the paper bag. Yes, out of all the questions this picture raises, those are the things about which I'm most curious.

Oh, Philly. Don't ever change. Except maybe for you, South Philly. It certainly wouldn't kill you not to smell like that.

Sweet Little Lies

I just saw this meme over at Lora's. It's great because I get to confess to all sorts of terrible things, but it's all LIES!

The concept: "Sometimes you can learn more about a person by what they don’t
tell you. Sometimes you can learn a lot from the things they just make up.
If you are tagged with this Meme, lie to me. Then tag 7 other folks (one for
each deadly sin) and hope they can lie.

Pride: What is your biggest contribution to the world?

Honestly? This gorgeous face of mine. I used to be an artist's model, and it's nice to think that my lovely visage will live on in the form of artwork (some of it sold for quite a bit) long after I'm gone.

Envy: What do your coworkers have that you wish was yours?

Before I started working there, some people in my department went in on a timeshare in the Bahamas. Do you know how long I've been dying to get to the Bahamas? (Um, a long time.)

Gluttony: What did you eat last night?

It's getting hot, so I made gazpacho. Tonight I'm having the leftovers with some crusty bread and a nice glass of wine to wash it all down.

Lust: What really lights your fire?

Long(ish) hair and slightly crooked teeth. Not fucked up teeth, mind you. I just think it's sort of cute if there's, say, something a little irregular about one of the incisors. Also, I like looking at guys who work out.

Anger: What is the last thing that really pissed you off?

When somebody stole my wallet while I was in the bathroom. Luckily, they only took the (little bit of) cash I had in there. All my ID and credit cards were still there.

Greed: Name something you hoard and keep from others.

Money! I can't help it. I have a super-seekrit bank account (well, it was) and I also stash cash in various places. I put it in books, mostly. I always have to check before loaning books out.

Sloth: What’s the laziest thing you ever did?

So this one time, I had the house to myself for the weekend and I basically lived like a pig. Didn't shower, didn't brush my teeth, didn't comb my hair. I left my dishes wherever they were when I got done eating (maybe that was in the sink, and maybe it was under the couch). At one point, I ate some semi-raw Ramen noodles because I didn't feel like waiting for them to finish boiling. Best. Weekend. Ever.

I'm tagging: Jamelah, Angela, Lisa, srah, Vegas Princess, naynayfazz, and tasterspoon. Or not. Maybe that's a lie, too. :-)

Fraulein N, Decor Detective

Y'all, I'm so excited right now I could piss myself. (Don't worry, I won't.) You may remember when I tracked down an awesome tote bag a couple of months ago. Success! It was swell. Well, I'm up to my old tricks again, but this time I'm looking for a chair. That's right. A chair. It's a rather famous chair, in fact. Every time I see it on TV, I'm compelled to say "I want that chair."

See? It's fabulous, innit? I was all prepared to come here and beg you guys to help me figure out what this chair was called and where I could buy it -- or, if it costs like $1200, as I suspected, where I could find an affordable knockoff. HOWEVER ... as I was looking for pictures to post here, I found it! I found my chair!



It's called the Navy chair (official model is 1006), and it's made by a company called Emeco.

In addition to Law & Order: Criminal Intent and House, the chair has also appeared on Sex and the City. It's called the Navy chair because it was commissioned by the Navy in 1944 for use on warships. It can supposedly withstand a six-story fall with nothing more than a few scratches. I don't plan on throwing it out of any windows, I just think it's an amazing piece of design. It doesn't cost quite as much as I expected, but at $415 it's still a little out of my price range right now. So if anyone knows where I can find a reasonably priced knockoff (read $120 or under), I could still use that help.

Feel The Burn

Here's the plan: I want to work out every day this week. (So far, so good.) I'm trying to get in the habit of working out every day, and I think if I can get it going for at least a week, I'll be excited (as excited as I can get about exercising, anyway) to continue. Also, I want to get in as much workout time as I can before the weather turns all shitty and hot.

I've been doing Debbie Siebers' "Cardio Core! Express" (love the exclamation point), which is a thirty-minute cardio workout with a focus on the core. And by core, I think they mean "that gross bloated part in the center of your body. " So for me, it's perfect. Actually, I have a hard time understanding what the hell Siebers is talking about sometimes. I think I'm too literal in my thinking sometimes, or maybe not literal enough. I can't remember if I've told you guys about how I s-t-r-u-g-g-l-e-d with "hand over hand" turns when I was learning to drive. Because I thought they meant, you know, LITERALLY, "hand over hand." And then I realized I was just supposed to grab the damn side of the wheel, like why didn't you just say that to begin with, dammit? and it worked out fine.

Just call me Amelia Bedelia.

Anyway. Sometimes Siebers will be all "keep your stomach tight" but it's hard for me on account of all this EXTRA FAT on my stomach, like I couldn't make this thing "tight" if I tried, and next thing you know I'm not "feeling" the exercise where I'm supposed to feel it. Or, to give you another example, Siebers will remind you of proper form, like you're supposed to keep your foot "in line with" your knee, whatever the hell that means, and then I lose my tenuous grasp on balance and fuck up the move completely. In either case, eventually I realize I was doing just fine before I started listening to her ass. It's also problematic when she reminds you that you can stop the move if it's too hard and just march in place. I know they probably have to say that, but I don't need any added incentive to stop what I'm doing. Basically, I have to decide which instructions I want to follow and which I'm going to ignore. Usually, while cursing under my breath.

That's one of the ways I know a workout video is effective, actually: I find myself cussing a lot.

Siebers: Breeeeeathe...
Me: No shit!

Siebers: And here you want to move from the waist, and keep your abs tight, and your knee to the side but also in line with your toes.
Me: What the ... fuck? Whatthefuck?

Siebers: Okaaaay. Now fast!
Me: Fuck ... you ... lady.

Something else I notice these workout videos have in common? If it's more than just the instructor up there, there always seems to be one asshole in the bunch. Now that I think about it, they probably do it on purpose, thinking your anger toward the resident asshole might translate into more energy for the workout. My sister Elle always complains about this aspect of workout videos; oddly enough, my mother doesn't notice it.

On "Cardio Core! Express" there's this bitch named Kali. (Siebers calls her "sweet Kali" ... GAG.) The first thing I noticed was that she has a lamprey mouth like Kiera Knightley, which I guess is not her fault. It's hard to look away from, though, like a car accident. Then it just makes you ill and you wish you hadn't looked. I try to focus on Siebers or the other woman up there (sadly, I can't even remember her name, although I do know she's a school principal, so Siebers has to be on her best behavior hahaha!). Anyway, "sweet Kali" either can't or won't keep her stupid mouth closed. She smirks the entire time, and when she exhales it's this super-exaggerated move, like wooo she can't believe how talented she is at breathing.

I really wish I could find a clip or picture of Kali (and believe me, I tried) because I know it just sounds like I'm being a bitch. But seriously. This chick is gross. For now you'll just have to take my word for it, I guess.

Another problem I have with workout videos is the inane shit these instructors say. I guess it's supposed to be encouraging, but I find it annoying as all hell. Fortunately, Siebers keeps the bullshit to a minimum. Any more and I'd have to find another exercise DVD. Even she can't help herself, though. Some of the more ridiculous stuff she says:

• Oh yeah! Come on! (they always say crap like this)
• I'm sweatin'. Are you sweatin'? Haha you better be! (Haha shutupI'm fuckingDRENCHED!)
• Yeah! We're going SKIING! (while performing a "skiing" move)
• I can't wait to go shopping! (Um ... whaaat?) You're definitely going to go down a size. (Okay, that one was actually kind of helpful. I'm still waiting, though...)

The Gladys Kravitz of the Cat World

Since it's gotten warm, we've had all the windows open and there's been a lot more noise for Juno to get used to. At first she was freaked out (of course), but now she seems more interested in what's going on out there than afraid. Recently, she's even started jumping up on the windowsill in the front of the apartment, and I have to run in there and make sure the blinds are up so she doesn't make a mess of them.


I love how serious she is.


This is one of my favorite pictures of Juno ever, because of the look on her face. She's all, "Do you believe this shit out here?"

Juno's favorite place to watch the world go by, however, remains the deck door in our bedroom. She especially likes to hang out between the curtains and the glass at night, because she is totally a fearsome nocturnal huntress. (Never mind the fact that the birds and squirrels are in hiding; maybe she's planning to pounce on a loud drunk.)


Here, she's two seconds away from asking, "MeeeE?" (again), which means (of course) "Pleeeeease let me out? Now? How about now?" At first she was absolutely TERRIFIED to be out there. The top porch at my parents' house has a roof, so when Juno went out on our deck the first couple of times, she was all, "Gah! All this AIR! What's that big blue ... THING up there? It's so open! Help me!" Now, though, she loves it.


Here, she's contemplating how she can squeeze her hefty ass under the deck, thereby scaring the shit out of her owner when said owner comes to check on her and is greeted only by a distant, plaintive, "Mee" and no cat in sight. Seriously, I spent a good ten minutes thinking she'd gone over the side or something. I even got out a flashlight to search between the slats of the deck, to no avail. I think she was stuck and/or scared, and so she's no longer allowed out there by herself.


Don't you give me that look, missy. You only have yourself to blame.

"No No" Is Right

I have GOT to share this with you.

I was flipping through the channels on TV last night, looking for a home-shopping channel I could fall asleep to (as you do), when I saw this. I literally -- and I mean literally -- said, out loud, "WHHHAAT?" And then: "Is HSN selling ... astronaut helmets now?" I mean, look at this thing:

From the people who brought you the no!no! hair removal system, iiiiit's the FaceTrainer! For exercising your facial muscles! Look, I don't care if there's actual science behind this thing (and I doubt there is), it looks fucking insane. When I first saw it, I thought it looked like a space age version of what Leonardo DiCaprio wore in The Man in the Iron Mask, but the more I look at it, it reminds me of something a burn victim would wear. I don't think I'd be able to wear it for a full minute without wanting to claw my skin off. Actually, I don't think I'd be able to wear it at all ... at least not without carefully studying the schematics. That's right, schematics:



Hell, now I'm more confused than ever. Good thing it comes with an instructional DVD! From what I gather, you use the FaceTrainer 10 minutes a day to build up your facial muscles so you don't have "saggy skin." That's what the lady on HSN said. (I don't think it works like that, but whatever.) It doesn't plug in or anything; it doesn't even work your muscles out for you. I guess it just provides resistance? Or something? Anyway, you're supposed to see results in 30 days. I wanted to show you the before-and-after pictures I saw on TV, but I can't find them online; the guy looks like he's taking the same mug shot in both pictures, and the woman honestly looks better in her "before" shot. It's pretty hilarious.

If you're still interested, think this actually might work, and don't mind looking like a jackass for no reason whatsoever, you too can have a FaceTrainer for the low, low price of $199.00. That's reasonable, right? Oh, and don't forget to replace your FaceTrainer "after every 4-6 months of use." People, I could not make this shit up if I tried. Clearly, I'm in the wrong line of work.